How to Deal with Someone Who Won't Change

by Frank A. Ives — fictional author, real advice

About 1 hour70 pages15 chaptersPDF + EPUB$4.99

"People change when they have decided, for their own reasons, that the person they are is no longer the person they want to be. They do not change because someone else has decided it on their behalf. Your access to that interior decision is zero."

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FRANKLYcontents · 15 chapters

What's inside

Fifteen chapters. One subject.
No wasted pages.

01People Change When They Want To. Not When You Need Them To.p. 3
02The Difference Between Won't and Can't.p. 8
03Why You Keep Trying.p. 13
04What You Can and Cannot Control.p. 18
05The Conversation Worth Having Once.p. 23
06p. 28
07p. 33
08p. 38
09p. 43
10p. 47
11p. 51
12p. 55
13p. 59
14p. 63
15p. 67

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FRANKLYread before you buy

A taste of Frank

This is how he writes.

The Point · chapter 1

This is the central fact of the matter, and it is worth stating without qualification at the start because everything else in this book depends on accepting it. People change when they have decided, for their own reasons, that the person they are is no longer the person they want to be. They do not change, in any durable way, because someone else has decided it on their behalf, however eloquently that desire is expressed, however consistently it is communicated, however significant the consequences accompanying it.

"Every hour spent trying to create motivation that is not there is an hour not spent on the things you can actually control. The discomfort of accepting this is real. It feels like giving up. It is not giving up. It is an accurate reading of the situation."

A page from How to Deal with Someone Who Won't Change, actual size

the book is 70 pages. this is chapter 1, the point.

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FRANKLYwhat changes · one hour later

The outcome

One hour. Here's what's
different after.

You'll stop spending energy trying to manufacture a motivation that belongs entirely to them, and redirect it toward what you can actually influence. You cannot create the wanting. If it is not there, all the pressure in the world produces resentment — directed at you.
You'll understand the critical difference between won't and can't — and why getting it wrong means you've been solving the wrong problem entirely. Both situations require a response. The responses are not the same. Calibrate accordingly.
You'll learn to have the one honest conversation that is worth having — once — without repeating it eleven times and expecting a different result. Frank is precise about what that conversation includes, what it excludes, and exactly when it is over.
You'll recognise the role you may have been playing in keeping the situation exactly as it is, and what stops you from seeing it clearly. My father called it building the case for a verdict you have already reached. You will recognise yourself in it.
You'll arrive at the decision that was always yours — to stay with accurate expectations, or to leave without bitterness — carrying everything you learned. Waiting for someone to change is not a strategy. Deciding what to do about it is.