"The list tells you who you are attracted to. The conversation tells you who you can live with. Start with the list. Finish with the conversation."
The chapter on the version of yourself they bring out — whether they make you larger or smaller — changed how I think about every relationship I've ever been in. Genuinely useful.
R.H.
Frank asks the questions nobody asks before they're in too deep. The chapter on what the difficult moments reveal should be read before any serious commitment, not after.
M.T.
I've been single for two years and didn't understand why my choices kept producing the same results. One hour with this book gave me more clarity than two years of figuring it out alone.
S.O.
Most people have a list. Tall or not tall. Career-driven or creative. Funny, generous, good-looking. The list is not wrong. The list is not the point. The list tells you what you find appealing. It does not tell you what you need to build a life with. These are entirely different things, and the confusion between them is responsible for more poor choices than almost any other single factor.
The list is written by the version of yourself that has not yet spent five winters with someone. It is written from attraction and hope and a set of ideas about what a good partner looks like that are largely borrowed from other people's ideas about what a good partner looks like. The relationship is lived in fatigue, in difficult weeks, in grief, in the specific pleasure of being known by someone who has seen the worst of you and chosen to remain. The list probably does not mention a single one of those things.
What follows is not about abandoning the list. It is about understanding what actually matters when the list runs out —
The rest is in the book.
What you want at twenty-three is not what you will need at forty-three. The mistake is not updating your criteria as your understanding of yourself deepens. If your list has not changed meaningfully since the first time you wrote it, it is not a list of what you need. It is a list of what you wanted before you knew what living with someone actually required of both of you.
"The list tells you who you are attracted to. The conversation tells you who you can live with. Start with the list. Finish with the conversation."
One subject. One page. No padding.
He'll be here when you are.
You've spent years choosing.
This is the hour you learn how.
Frank helps you ask the right questions — before it's too late to ask them.
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